So,a couple of weeks ago, a couple of my nieces asked me a question I was uncertain how to answer...they asked me whether or not I was popular in high school. It was a perfect opportunity to witness a little bit to them.

I answerd them and said...you know...I wasn't unpopular, but from my freshman year to my senior year things got alot better for me regarding "friends". I seemed to make more and more friends...at the expense of my conscious, and the little relationship that I had with God.

You see, I decided at the start of my freshman year that I was going to do my best to shut my conscious out of my life as I realized that if I truly wanted the things that I saw the people I looked up to at school having, I was going to have to compromise everything I believed. I had essentially become something I was not, only to have people that I normally would not have wanted to associate with, associate with me. Now I'm not saying this about all of the people I was friends with in high school, because in all honesty I came out of that era of my life with some pretty good memories with people who genuinely cared for me...and to this day...from time to time, I find myself missing those folks. Anyway...I'm not trying to reminisce...next thing you know I'll be all teary eyed and emotional...HA! yeah right!

Through four years of high school, I successfully shut my conscious out...that was put on a fast track the summer before my senior year as my grandfather passed away because some trifling doctor decided that spending time with my grandfather was less important than spending time with whatever else he was spending time with...and as a result of his (the doctors) actions my grandfather passed away. Being only 18 years old...I remember going up to the hospital with one of the guys that truly was my best friend in school to watch my grandfather pass away. I also remember coming out of the dorm style room that he was in (there were numerous other people in the room as he was in ICU) and sticking my middle finger up at God saying I don't need you. It's obvious looking back, that I never truly had a relationship with Christ. In my senior year I began using drugs and drinking...heavily. Another thing that changed was my attitude...I started seeing things completely different. I started seeing things, from what I can tell now...more and more as Satan would see them. I began, feeling my life as I knew it...slipping further and further away from me. My language began changing more and more...I had always cussed...but now I was cussing using God's name plus the cuss words I would say...I had no problem pretending to be God...I even wrote poetry where I took on the persona of God and I told everyone that they needed to believe in my name to be saved...I was ultimately what was going to be what saved you...not God...because in my mind, at this point in my life...God was nothing (it's only now that I can see He was truly everything, as He is the only thing that got me through all that I put myself through safely). One of my favorite songs at this point in time was Heresy by Nine Inch Nails...it only fueled my hatred for God. It's amazing what music can do when your driven by your emotions! I believe wholeheartedly that God gave me over to myself...Romans 1:24 & 25 states "therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lust of the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen." Also in Romans 1:28-31 we read "And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful..." See these were all things that I allowed myself to become...all for the sake of friendships that I was never meant to have. I traded myself for a lie...the lie...that popularity was the way to go...please don't hear what I'm not saying...I believe wholeheartedly in having friends! Life without friendships is boring. Jesus had what most would consider 12 pretty good friends! I mean He shared meals, ministry, life, love, fellowship...is that not what our friendships should look like? I believe it is...one of the things that was great about these relationships is that numerous different backgrounds made these relationships work as wonderfully as they did. Back to the topic originally being discussed...I spent close to 10-12 years like this (from the summer before my 9th grade year till I was 24 or 25)...now I wouldn't ever have admitted that to anyone...as that would be recognizing the lie that I was caught up in...and recognize you're living a lie means that on some level, you recognize that you are living deceptively...if not to anyone else...to yourself...and a change will be necessary. I don't remember the exact date, but I had been sitting under the preaching of a church that taught constant love and grace...both of which I didn't believe I was capable of receiving...then one day...I realized that I had been deceived by the very person I had been unknowingly living my life for...Satan. Remember, just a second ago I said that if I realized I was caught in a lie, I would have to make a change? Well, a change was coming. One that would forever change my life and hopefully that of those around me. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. He came in and cleaned house (sort of). See, He took away the desire to be filled with self loathing, with ambition from Satan and replaced it with His love. To sit here and say that this is easy to do day in and day out would be a lie...some days are better than others...that's the truth. Some days I can have truckloads of compassion on people...some days...I can't stand the sight of other people! Like Paul writes in Romans 7:19 "For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice." As a result of shutting out my conscious all those years ago, I had made myself a competely different person. And now that I no longer want to be that person, I find my flesh waging an absolute war with my spirit to hold me in a state of compliance to sin. "Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. I find then a law, that evilis present with me, the one who wills to do good." (Romans 7:20 & 21) These verses sum up my life since coming to Christ. It's a struggle, all the time, to fight off my flesh. Amazingly, I willingly made myself an open vessel for evil, not thinking that later on this would make my life extremely hard! I realize now that I am truly nothing without Jesus Christ in my life. It took a long time for me to get to this place and I'm so thankful for the revelation of who I am without the love of God in my life...it has made me a different person. I never would have guessed that anyone (outside my immediate family) all those years ago would have cared as much for me as my Lord and Savior does...especially with how I was living my life...honestly, I don't even know how my mom and dad dealt with me and loved me...it is truly a question for the ages. In Romans 7: 24-25 we read the truth for us all..."O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin". It's only through the shed blood of Jesus Christ that any of us will ever obtain salvation. I pray that all of you reading this, if you are not saved and realize that something is off in your lives...come to the same conclusion that the man in John 9 did. See this man was blind his whole life...that is until Christ came into the picture and restored him. See Christ has washed all of our sins away using His own blood! Then He has told us that He will never remember them again! In John 9:35-38 we read "Jesus heard that they had cast him (the man who received his sight from Jesus) out (of the synagogue); and when He had found him, He said to him, "Do you believe in the Son of God?" He (the man) answered and said, "Who is He, Lord, that I may believe in Him?" And Jesus said to him, "You have both seen Him and it is He who is talking with you." Then he said "Lord I believe!" And he fell down and worshipped Him." Christ may never restore your physical sight or heal you of cancer or give you a million dollars (as some "bible teachers" will have you believe)...but He will restore your spiritual sight if you set your eyes totally on Him. He and He alone can make all the rest of your days...peaceful. When the wars of the world are raging around you...Jesus can bring you a peace that can be likened to nothing else.

At this time of year, I pray that Christ is your reason for celebrating and not Santa Claus, gifts, family and friends or anything else. Remember these words..."Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderous face, and the things of earth, will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."